poor of discipline

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 12:36:13 -0700

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6 august 2009

I should not have ended that last entry with a resolution, as I didn't follow up on it and subsequently felt ashamed to show my face around here for three weeks.

I have also made numerous attempts to resolve other things in the past few weeks, owing that exerting discipline and self-control are steps on the path toward screwing my head on a little straighter. A few bike rides have been lovely with wind in my face and Bo's presence an endpoint, I've gotten some graph theory exercises done that I had almost forsaken. Other things have fallen by the wayside, like my lack of grocery buying leading to an excess of fast food and Chinese takeout.

I still haven't taken a single dang photograph. Tonight Bo invited a few souls to happy hour drinks in his new backyard, so maybe this will lead to a thoughtful photographic composition, or a tipsy one. I have taken a picture or two with my phone and posted them here, a site frequented not only by my NYC friend ZB, but several of my old co-workers at Livewire. Small world.

And I'm going to Chicago this weekend and Savannah next weekend! And then school starts... unless I quit.

15 july 2009

Here's a good sign that something's off: the last photo I took with my beloved camera was in April.

It was at the Athens Americana Festival, which was indeed a lovely weekend for music, though it was a tragic and shocking weekend in other respects. (Sadness for the families of Ben Teague, Marie Bruce, and Tom Tanner serves as a forceful reminder that I should be grabbing myself by the shoulders, shaking myself back to not only normalcy, but passion for the life that can sometimes be taken so for granted.) It was a spring weekend, opening up to warmth and reminding me what the outdoor air does for my soul.

Three months have passed since then, passed both sluggishly and without my paying them much heed, as I've been wrapped up in a summer fog of depression from which I'm still looking for some kind of safe harbor.

Breaths of fresh air include talking to my mother, swimming with Bonnie a few weeks ago, every time I place my head on Bo's shoulder.

A friend gave me a few encouraging words this morning about self-control, steadiness, effecting change, and I'm going to try to get out on a run tomorrow morning. And maybe take a photo. I'll letcha know how it goes.

9 july 2009

Here's where I try to write something other than insignificant incessant moping.

...

I do get a little spark of pleasure at having a place to write again.

Though I feel sometimes that rewarding work is a far-flung fantasy, I have a nice paycheck coming next week.

Bo is playing his guitar on a porch tonight, and prior to his melanchony tunes, we'll eat delicious food there.

That movie about a boy who can do magic is coming out next week.

I don't know, I have my senses and a place to live and a family that loves me, my health and no impending lion attacks?

It's the simple things, really.

25 june 2009

How is it that my heart is so tender and fragile this morning, as I sit at my desk and struggle to contemplate imaging algorithms?

It has, in part, to do with the realization this week that I won't be going to Paris to present work at a research conference to which I was accepted; financial difficulties have intervened. I had started to see it as a magic panacea; surely the mere re-positioning could not have helped me remember my happier mindset in the revelatory way I had begun to imagine. But without it, I am not sure what type of solution to grope for.

24 june 2009

Not only am I out of practice, the past year and particularly the last six months have changed my perspective on what such remarks are worth.

This past winter was a very difficult one for me. Reasons why are fleeting to the mention, hard to pin down in words the same way that a dream evaporates as sleepy eyes try to remember. Simply, life suddenly seemed harder and sadder than it had felt in a long time; my house of cards fell and rebuilding felt impossible and pointless. Since then, I'm moving cards around, looking busy, pretending to know the point.

19 june 2009

It is a shock to my system, the amount of time I've gone without noting any personal observations into this place. Writing in this terminal now feels a bit like waking up from a long dream and realizing that I haven't felt like myself in quite a while.

I think I'll revert to simplicity; my goal will be to remember captivation in words. I kept a long list of topics I wanted to address in the past year's interim; perhaps that list will be posted tonight as some sort of warning and/or advisement to help potential readers gauge interest.

And with that, she was gone.

:::

29 august

I'm taking my time in getting settled into new routines, searching out the optimal paths in my new small-town academic atmosphere. The tentative idea that this could be home in some long-term way emphasizes how much I want to make it feel right, right from the beginning.

In many ways, it already does. And yet I remain wary. Always cautious of making decisions before the absolute final moment, once all the variables are revealed before me.

Will post pictures this weekend: of my room, my house (owned by the illustrious Beth B., who's really awesome to have as a friend, and landlord no less), my bike with which I've been ever so psyched to be building such a strong rapport, some delicious food items (an ever so reassuring constant in my life, across all journeys).

Going downtown, leaving my office with a view, to have a drink and some fries with my boyfriend. Have a long weekend ahead, really happy.

previously

21 august

Intimidated by the need to redesign. May write in a very underdeveloped template for some short period. The better to get my mind in order before I try to bring some fashioning of graphic order to this literary respite.

previously

Happy Father's Day to my dad. I love you.

I nod, not saying anything. As always, a separate, more complete dialogue passes between us, in the space just above our heads.

Suzanne Finnamore, Otherwise Engaged

2:09:08

bed, short shorts, air conditioner

Well, I need to go to sleep (and also plan a class for tomorrow, and also put in some writing on the research paper we're submitting next month, and also do some work that will pay me money, and also email the young lady who'll be moving into my room and hopefully buying some of my furniture, and also, and) but I thought it would be good for me to at least try to keep up with the major life decisions here.

I'm moving to Athens this summer and sometime in August will start research with Prashant Doshi on matching ontologies in the semantic web; I'll probably get to throw some natural language and machine learning into that graph theory which will make me very happy. We'll see if I get to continue interesting educational research as well, or if that might wait until after I become an illustrious professor.

Continue educational research, you say? What cool things are you already doing with teaching badass kids computer science? Oh, that would be this. I'm having a wonderful time and really hoping that we get to turn this into an annual program, and also that one day I get to have a hand in designing introductory computer science curricula. It's the best thing I've done so far in terms of being fun, rewarding, and constantly challenging.

I got to spend a few weeks in Savannah and Atlanta and Athens recently, and did a roadtrip with my folks down from here, and saw my little brother graduate at a gorgeous campus of old trees and old books. And graduated myself. And saw two of my favorite people get married! We've had a heat wave, I spent some fun times swimming and jetskiin' in Lake Lanier, I'm getting my stuff prepped to mail south, I'm constantly thinking -- this is the last time I'll be doing this, eating here, hugging my friend goodnight on this streetcorner in NYC, at least for a little while.

She is too fond of books and it has addled her brain.

Louisa May Alcott