TopatoCo

Everything's On Sale for Black Friday

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 11:26:43 -0800

Everything at TopatoCo is on sale this Black Friday! And by "on sale" we mean "offered for purchase". Nothing is held back for ourselves; all products mounded 'neath this stately roof should be considered commerce-ready. Would you like any of them? Would someone you know? This is a question every generation must ask itself. This is the second-most-pressing inquiry of the present age, just after "how many more things can I wrap with bacon before my fingers literally slip off of whatever I am holding and Nature's stern laws put an end to my shenanigans." This is the defining moment of a young thing's life, as it regards the products on a shiny flat screen and wonders, just for the briefest of moments, how they would feel in three dimensions. This is what Riding the Lord must be like.

Here at TopatoCo we are a little perplexed by all this "Black Friday" hoohah. We hear news reports of people being trampled by crazed other-people in pursuit of ridiculous items, and of stores both manned and populated by registered lunatics whose only thought is to snap chaos around like a whip until it weaves the fabric of reality itself into some sort of 50�-off coupon for a cheese-slicer, and of adulthood being subsumed into slavering juvenilia with tears and madness the only result, and all we can think is "That is us every day! Why is Wal-Mart getting all the press?" The answer, of course, is because Wal-Mart always gets the press. Wal-Mart owns the press. Wal-Mart eats the press. Wait what is the press.

Did you know we have an affiliate program? That means you can link to stuff you like from TopatoCo and then earn money back if folks buy stuff via your link! Right now we're paying back 7% of whatever we get paid for that stuff. You can sign up for the program by pressing here and then all you got to do is post some links using your affiliate code. This is a new thing we're offering so please be careful with it, the batteries that came with it are the cheap store brand so they might leak that white crusty stuff on your fingers but if they do we are totally not responsible.

At this point we have passed the deadline to order a product using International First Class mail and reasonably expect it to be delivered to a foreign country by Christmas. Guarantees are cheap to issue and expensive to cash, so we are reluctant to make them, but as of this capricious instant we do feel pretty confident about International Priority Mail and all domestic service. The Int'l First Class service is run by chihuahuas anyway so you non-Americans should really be using Priority Mail for the best chances of success. We don't like it any more than you do, and we would recommend that all complaints be directed to the U.S. Postmaster General. Writing him an angry letter will probably not get you put on any sort of a government list, but again, we cannot truthfully promise anything. The full list of holiday shipping deadlines is here and also along the top of every page in the store!

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The Man Who Stares At "Goats"

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:06:33 -0800

There is a man who stares at "Goats" all day long. He is not a psychic military man played by Daniel Ocean; he is not even a lonely rancher struggling to reconcile urges with morality on the great Western plains. No, it is heroic hero of all he surveys Jonathan Rosenberg, the author of the long-running and highly-acclaimed comic "Goats", and he stares holes in that thing every dang day, making comics and strange products for you to enjoy. And now here we are with them!

"Goats" is, as you may guess from the title, about some guys who eat God and thus trigger the apocalypse. The latest volume in the very shiny Random House/Del Rey series is called The Corndog Imperative. If you pre-order it from us right now (we get 'em in a few weeks) you will automatically get free bookmarks! But you won't even use them because the book is downright unputdownable. Also as a public service we are offering you a stress lemon and a squeeze potato so you can work out the tension that will inevitably arise, borne of sheer professional jealousy, at the excellence of The Corndog Imperative.

We also got a new "Goats" shirt about turtles and the Foundations of the Universe! Like all of Jon's work, it contains no actual goats, but it does accurately and with a high degree of scientific rigor portray the fundaments of the firmament and the wriggling pillars of livestock that comprise it. Click through to see the jokey part.

Now, at this point I'm sure you're suitably impressed with Mr. Rosenberg's fine offerings, and that's without even mentioning the many colorful prints he has newly made available against the better judgment and non-binding censures of the Spartan Wall Decorators Association of Greater New York State. I hardly even have to mention that for a limited time, personalization is available for Corndog Imperative books and even, against all reason, on 2-book discount packs as well. And I should surely bite my tongue rather than state the obvious fact that Jon totally wants to do Ayn Rand. All these things are evident at the slightest glance. The Corndog Imperative rolls into the world on December first and all orders will ship promptly and blessedly thereafter.

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Exxxtremely Important Holiday Shipping Deadlines!

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 19:23:04 -0800

Some people start their holiday shopping in September, when Target pushes aside the clearance flip-flops and the leftover Jonas Brothers Trapper Keepers to make room for an unholy amount of tinsel and cheer. Turn left at the Halloween candy and you are smack dab in the middle of a Winter Wonderland - even thought there's a good chance that you're wearing a sundress at the time. Other people wait until the paycheck before Christmas/Chanukah/Kwaanza/Festivus/Yule and hit the mall at a breakneck speed, scooping up whatever they can get their hands on until they come to in the parking lot with an armful of Family Guy calendars and Hickory Farms gift baskets.

Not YOU though! You are thoughtful. You are reasonable. You plan ahead AND you have remarkable taste. That's why you're doing your holiday shopping at TopatoCo. You're going to pay attention to the shipping deadlines and you are going to get your gifts in plenty of time to slap some dollar store wrapping paper on them and tuck them under the tree/menorah/kinte cloth/aluminum pole/log.

If you order by the following deadlines, your package should have plenty of time to get where it is intended to go. Please keep in mind that we here at TopatoCo do a lot of things, but actually deliver your package is not one of those things. Once the package leaves our warehouse, it is up to the postal service to get it to you. Also, if you live outside of the US there will most likely be customs fees. Those are on you, dude.

USPS INTERNATIONAL FIRST CLASS = November 22 (Not Guaranteed. It SHOULD get there but there's a 10% chance it will arrive after Dec 25. USPS International First Class is HELLA flaky).

USPS INTERNATIONAL PRIORITY = December 8

USPS INTERNATIONAL EXPRESS and
DOMESTIC FIRST CLASS AND PRIORITY = December 15

USPS DOMESTIC EXPRESS = December 21

Shipping times for UPS vary, depending on where you are located, but are guaranteed. For information please visit the UPS web site to calculate shipping times and plan accordingly.

Now let's get to consumerin'! The more discerning people on your shopping list literally don't want anything from any other merchant. Don't ruin Christmas. Again.

IMPORTANT ADDENDUM for RSS subscribers:

We are rolling our RSS over to a new system! If you are reading this by email, there should be no hiccups -- you may receive one or two duplicate messages, and for that we apologize. It is not an issue and will go away by itself.

If you are reading this on a feed reader, please subscribe right now to our new address:

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Yes, right now. Take five seconds to subscribe to the new one and delete this old one. You won't miss anything, I promise! We apologize for the inconvenience.

IF THERE IS ANY TROUBLE AT ALL

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BUT WE ANTICIPATE NO TROUBLE

All this New Stuff

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:48:17 -0800

Just a quick note that we got all this crazy new stuff in! New messenger bags, greeting cards, and the Dinosaur Comics book.

Take a look here I mean gosh!

Anyway with the greeting cards for sure we kinda guess how many we'd need, so if you slack on these and we run out halfway through November we're probably not gonna have enough time to get them reprinted. You got to think about this sort of thing now, or you end up looking like a chump. And as the guy whose picture is on the masthead at chumpornot.com, take it from me that this is no way to live your life.

Also we're having another tag sale thing on November 14, you should come if you can! Details here.

Thank you for reading this!
-Jeffrey

TopatoCo at APE

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 17:06:09 -0700

TopatoCo's coming to your town! As long as your town is San Francisco. The whole clattering tinker-carriage is pulling up to the Concourse Exhibition Center on October 17-18 for the hundredth annual Alternative Press Expo. We probably won't have earrings made of Scrabble tiles or Members Only jackets with Black Flag iron-on patches, but we will be bringing our finely-tuned sense of East Coast joie de vivre to your foggy, bebridged moors. We're going to be at tables 254-256 and we're going to have a staggered signing schedule so we can make sure nobody gets rickets from sitting too long. Check out this boss PDF map for a whole list of times and locations and names and pretty much everything you need to get going. Oh and don't forget if you have a San Diego Comic-Con pass, you get in the door of APE for bupkis!

At TopatoCo Central we're gonna have: Matt Boyd � Joey Comeau & Emily Horne � Meredith Gran � Chris Hastings � Jon Rosenberg � Jeffrey Rowland � Zach Weiner � plus favorite merch from our other creators who can't make the trip due to outstanding warrants or other similar reasons.

Also we should mention that Kate Beaton will be in the building, but not at our table -- she's over at table 440. That's noted on our map though so don't even worry about it.

all right now we got to figure out if we need a passport to get into San Francisco and what kind of extradition treaties they got just in case of, you know trouble

(APE 2008 photo above by lobraumeister, used under CC)

Jeffrey Made Some Shirts

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 16:02:00 -0700

Hello. I'm Jeffrey Rowland. I run this here TopatoCo outfit, and when I'm not doing that I also make cartoon strips and design tee-shirts of my own.

I just come up with a few designs you might be interested in.

We got a shirt that just says "Dang" on it, because that's what you're thinkin' all the time. I put it in cursive to represent "polishin' turds." Think of this design as if John Wayne spent half a day on something tryin' to make it look pretty

I made a shirt that's about the scariest thing in the world, flyin' in airplanes. I put a smiley face on the plane because people love that, when not-alive things smile at them.

I made tee-shirt design about not wantin' to get shot. Now I am personally in favor of every American being forced to own at least 100 guns, that they would be required by law to carry with them at all times, but I am completely against getting shot by guns. It' ain't necessary.

And then there's a shirt that's about a touchy subject. There's only two types of people out there, those that knows what the hell is goin' on with this thing, and those that don't. And the ones that don't that don't probably don't got their phones tapped.

Those shirts are all up for pre-order right now and everybody who pre-orders is gonna get a surprise gift. And you will be surprised.

Two Men Enter One Man Leaves

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 18:10:14 -0700

Not really! Both men get to leave the Thunderdome this time, those men obviously being Doc Hastings and Mr. Madsen. Look what they did!

For centuries man has messed with the Dolphin. Dolphins have been cool for the most part, only acting like complete jerks to some little kid once or twice a year, tops. But now, the tables have turned! Much like their ancestor Dr. Zoidberg, now it is the dolphins turn to fight back, just as soon as they figure out how to reload.

The other shirt is a memorial to all the Troopfighters who lost their lives when their giant Doom Sphere space station was destroyed by the Freedom Warriors in the 1987 film Galaxy Military Actions.

We've also redesigned the TopatoCo main page, go look if feel like doing something useful with your time!

Starslip, Sheldon, and Dr. McNinja in Space

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 10:49:28 -0700

Ha ha! We at TopatoCo have been on the verge of tears lately, trying to keep this news a secret but now it is time!You may know the comics Starslip and/or by Kris Straub! Kris is one of the busiest dudes in all of cybercomics. And we have Starslip Volume 3 and Chainsaw Suit Volume 2 up for pre-orders!

You probably know Sheldon from being one of the best comics out there about talking ducks and old men. And now we will be helping spread the Sheldon across the Earth, like paste. We've also got a brand new shirt from Sheldon about those weird far-apart eyes dogs that don't breathe good.

Still not broke? Then you don't know about the pre-release of Dr. McNinja Volume Three! Still trying to figure out if you can pay rent by picking up trash around the apartment complex? Now you can browse through shirts by subject matter!

New Old Friends

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:39:11 -0700

Wowzers! This week we have two new additions to the TopatoCo family, both of whom you probably know unless your head has been in your butt for at least the past six years. Think of them as very old babies, like babies with wrinkles and knowledge, and you have to get off their lawn or they will start crying.

Sam Logan's Sam and Fuzzy has been droppin' e-comics on your cyberscope since before Iraq War II started! Sam and Fuzzy has been through some changes during the times, but it's all been good. And now you can get the stuff here!

And Jon Rosenberg's Goats has been around since before the year 2000 was invented! That was back when you had to look at the internet in those little booths that you had to put quarters in every fifteen minutes. Remember that? Anyway now you can get all of the famous Goats stuff here too, including the new major release Infinite Typewriters, the first of three for-real published books that will also be in real stores. But here at TopatoCo you can buy it without having to go to a store, because sometimes at stores there are awful people and kids running around everywhere and thugs and pick-pockets, and that kid with the bangs and the superiority complex. And you're like, "look kid. You might think you all that, but you ain't."

New Three Panel Soul Designs!

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 14:01:34 -0700

You guys like bunnies, right? Cute. You like angels too, right? Of course you do.

Now imagine the bunnies are RAPELLING down the side of your body and the angel is also a ROBOT.

That's the new Three Panel Soul shirts, go get them before somebody else does!

A Softer World - Overqualified Book Tour

Wed, 27 May 2009 14:45:49 -0700

NEWS! Joey Comeau and Emily Horne of A Softer World will be performing live here at TopatoCo this Saturday! Also at various other places on the Eastern part of the United States, see all the dates here.

Brandon Bird!

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 10:45:29 -0700

TopatoCo is so excited about our newest artist that we can barely stand up straight. Excuse us, whilst we remove to the fainting couch to complete this news-post.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your friends at TopatoCo have been enamored with the works of Mr. Brandon Bird ever since we first saw a picture Bea Arthur wrestling a dinosaur somewhere on the internet oh so long ago. And ever since we got this big ol' printer we've had a hankerin' to print a big old picture of Natalie Portman being totally freaked out by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

We don't want to waste another moment of your time; your time is better spent browsing our selection of Brandon Bird merchandise here! Or, if that's not enough, there's a whole lot more to see on his site!

Problem Sleuth Prints

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:23:06 -0700

You are probably still mourning Problem Sleuth being over. We understand. That's why you can now get commemorative prints to remind you of the glory of it all, for many years, until the tenuous grip you have on reality unravels completely, and from your motorized bed you stare at them, slack-jawed, trying to remember what clocks are for. You will treasure them. And now you can choose between our regular super-high quality semi-gloss photo paper OR fancy-schmancy fine art textured paper. Pretty cool. Pretty dang cool.

And also can nip that mourning right in the bud, because a new MS Paint Adventure has begun -- Homestuck!

<3 Jeffrey

Time Travel Essentials

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 15:06:13 -0700

If you're like us, you live in constant fear of slipping into a wormhole and getting spit out in the 13th century, and the only real useful knowledge you have for your ignorant ancestors is "watch out for that Hitler guy" and "some of the Popes are evil" (we're going to assume that you, like us, can't even remember who won the World Series last year). Now with this handy, sturdy tee-shirt and high-quality poster print you don't have to live in fear any longer. Sure this means that some of those bums like Copernicus and the Wright brothers will end up having to get real jobs, but it's gonna be your name in the history books, and that's what what matters.
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A companion guide for this shirt entitled I Am Not a Demon: How to Avoid Being Executed for Heresy is in the works..
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<3 Jeffrey

Exploding DOGGZ

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 13:42:11 -0700

Look how excited TopatoCo is to announce we're now offering Exploding Dog shirts and a book to our increasingly-bewildering inventory! You can't see it, but we're trembling with excitement. And we got goose bumps. And our pupils are dilated as far as they can go, and our hearts -- oh, our hearts are like hummingbirds! Corpulent, heaving hummingbirds that live in pitch black and stop at unpredictable, terrifying intervals. We salivate excitement, lying flat on our backs until the thunder stops.

We have been friends with old Sam Brown for years, and his shirts went away for a while, but we brought them back for you, because we care about you, because you're a good person, you know?

<3 Jeffrey